Thursday, March 3, 2011

The bowl

I made a salad the other day...and put it in the bowl.

Last night I filled the bowl with chips for our salsa.

Today's popcorn snack went in the bowl.

I reach for this bowl many times a week, and even more than once a day. And every time I do I think, all I got from Elkhorn was this bowl. All I got from following Mr. Wiedz's dreams... All I got from signed contracts and legal meetings... All I got from the phone calls that stopped whatever else we were doing...

Even typing those sentences makes me cover my eyes and start to cry. I don't think I'm strong enough to talk about what Elkhorn did. I joke about it. I mutter to myself as I pull the bowl down that all I got for three years of blood, sweat, and tears was a wooden bowl. I roll my eyes and put up barriers when anything comes up about the lawyers or the banks or the camping spot or the tournaments or the memories.

Just over five years ago I sat in my grandmother's house and told her about the "deal" that was put together for Elkhorn. I was so proud of Mr. Wiedz. He had done the impossible. He had negotiated with the big boys and got a great package put together. He had worked so hard. He'd had so many meetings and they all culminated with a great contract with lots of zeros. The months of work were so worth it. The time he'd invested was coming back to him. The diligence had paid off and this was going to get to be his work. He was going to do what he loved.

I still remember her response. Why is someone going to pay him for doing that?

As it turns out, they weren't. As it turns out, in the real world contracts don't mean as much as you think. As it turns out, our dreams weren't coming true. They were turning into nightmares. They were changing who we are.

But God uses everything for his glory.

How trite. How mocking. How difficult.

I like to read blogs. I especially like to read other people's stories. I've found some good ones. And I read how someone going through unimaginable pain; losing a child, battling cancer, or going through life changing difficulties can rely on God and trust in his will.

I'm a trusting girl. I'm a glass-half-full girl. I'm a believer that God will use the pain, the hurt, the yucky, the unimaginable and turn it for His good.

Do I see the good in Elkhorn yet? It's been years since the beginning, middle and end. I'm removed from it. I've forgiven. I've sought forgiveness for the matters it did to my heart, for the attitudes that I still try to carry.

If I'm honest, the answer is no. But my timetable is not God's timetable.

So far, all I see is a bowl.

4 comments: said...

I read your words and was deeply touched and remember those days very well. Remember you are loved and I am proud of you, Mom
Yes, Just a Bowl.

Stefanie said...

Plain yuck!

It's hard to be a wife of a dreamer:) I understand.

It's a bit rough here for us too.

I don't know the full story but thought your words and feelings were perfect.

Another Stacy said...

so....where exactly did the bowl come from?

love you.

H0MEFree said...

Wow, those were some hard trials. The Lord was faithful to bring you through it and strengthen you.
It's at the foot of the Cross where our faith grows.